if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
