How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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