i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
