he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
