this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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