I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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