Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
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