I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
