When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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