How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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