his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize