just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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