In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
