she's into porn, im staying here tonight
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
