She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
