Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
