OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
