I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
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