She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
