she looked like the before picture.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Randomize
