after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
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