my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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