my phone needs a breathalizer
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
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