I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
