Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize