Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
