I am puke
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
We left an ass print on the piano.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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