When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
