I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
