I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize