she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
