Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
