I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Welp...herpes.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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