NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
