My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
