fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
