Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
