If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
