throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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