My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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