The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
