so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
