i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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