Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
