She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
