1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
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