Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
