Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
