Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
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