I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Just invented taco cereal.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
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