i would punch a child for taco bell
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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