One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
