I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
