I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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