My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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