My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Randomize
