During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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