I think I died a long time ago.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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