My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
