I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
